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“No other fruit unites the fine qualities of all fruits as does the apple. For one thing, its skin is so clean when you touch it that instead of staining the hands it perfumes them. Its taste sweet and it is extremely delightful both to smell and to look at. Thus by charming all our senses at once, it deserves the praise it receives." - PLUTARCH, Moralia. Table-Talk

Apple Ratings:


Apple Ratings (Northeast U.S Corridor Edition)

Preamble: Before we delve into our apple reviews (Northeast U.S Corridor Edition), I’d like to share this quote from my dear friend Johnny: “You’re either a Flavour Fiend or a Texture Tot.”

There is an important distinction between being a Flavour Fiend or a Texture Tot when it comes to the art of apple reviewing. You’ll notice large deltas between our ratings due to this distinction. A Flavour Fiend Apple Taster (eg: Arielle) values unique, pure flavours over the mouthfeel when reviewing an apple specimen. This is not to say that she disregards texture. Rather, when selecting an apple, there is no consideration around how she chooses to consume it. She rates apples knowing she has the capability and the willingness to transform this apple in circumstance; to bite into it or metamorphose it into a delectable pie, an addition to a marinade, a sauce, a dish of one’s own. Hence, texture is nihil ad rem.

A Texture Tot Apple Taster (eg: Johnny, Jack, Sammy, Owen) prioritizes the texture of the apple as a treat and then secondly considers the taste. Variance between individuals includes their jaw strength, general preferences on crispness/softness, and one’s partiality to the after notes of “mealiness”; mouthfeel sensations in regards to apple rheology. Again, this does not imply that they are not concerned with flavour. In fact, it is arguable that Tater Tot Apple Tasters inherently value the experience of eating an apple. In avid description of an apple, Owen discusses how specific Apples would be good “Trail Apples”, “Backpack Apples”, and the juiciness of an apple is not perceived as a flavour enhancer but rather an experience diminisher; “Your hands will get sticky.” Utility of an apple is typically of importance for Texture Tots.

“You need to commit to eating an apple as an experience. You need to let it take over your world for 15 minutes then wash your hands after.” - Sammy, circa Oct 2023.


The Honeycrisp Apple was set to be the 7.5/10 as a baseline. Let’s begin!

William’s Pride Apple:

Jonagold Apple:

20 Ounce Apple:

Macoun Apple:

Fortune Apple:

Paula Red Apple:


Apple Ratings (Quebec Edition)

michael and i spent the afternoon at the farmers market grabbing every variety of apple we could see. here are our ratings!

Honeycrisp Apple:

Sunrise Apple:

Cortland Apple:

Gala Apple:

“Yellow” Apple (Likely Golden Delicious):

Lobo Apple:

Russet Apple:

Macintosh Apple:

Empire Apple:

Spartan Apple:


Apple Ratings (New York Edition)

Rodburry Russet Apple

Zestar Apple


Apple Ratings (Southern Ontario Edition)

Note: from Ambrosia to Wellington Woods, these Apple Reviews were conducted under the influence. Michael probably much more than Arielle.

Ambrosia Apple:

Fuji Apple:

Sweet-tango Apple

Mini/Dwarf Crabapple:

Michael’s Backyard Apple (likely a variation of a crabapple and cortland/paula. Super white inside, very dark red skin)

Wellington Woods Apple that Michael grabbed in the middle of our night walk. Likely a crabapple cross with some sort of Granny Smith - the skin is green but the apple is small in size.

Cosmic Crisp Apple

Pink Lady Apple


Apple Ratings (Vegas and Late Fall Ontario Edition)

I got the first 3 apples listed below from a Vegas TJs which is pretty based. The latter are late Ontario harvests from St. John’s Farmers market. Michael will never be sick of me. We have so many apples to eat together!

Sugar Bee Apple

Envy Apple

Rave Apple

Ida Apple

Late Fall Jona Gold (again)

Mutsu Apple

Local Sweet Honeycrisp (again)

Yellow Delicious

Ontario Spy Apple


Apple Ratings (Late Fall Boston Edition)

Opal Apple:

Evercrisp Apple

Lady Apple:

Lucy Rose Apple:


Apple Ratings (Late Fall Quebec Dinner Party Edition)

Honeycrisp was used as the baseline at 7.5/10.

Honeycrisp:

Gala

Mcintosh

Granny Smith


Apple Ratings (Boston Winter Storage CNY Edition):

chinese new year with new and old friends, with a baldwin apple sighting (my jaw dropped! i’ve been looking for this bad boy everywhere.) as always, honeycrisp as the baseline at 7.5

Honeycrisp Apple:

Gala Apple:

Baldwin Apple:

Suncrisp Apple:

Goldrush Apple:


Apple Ratings (Boston Local Winter, All Repeats but with More People Edition):

What better way to spend my first weekend living in Massachusetts than hosting 15 people in a room to eat apples with me? “I can taste apples that are more red” was my quote of the day - incredible! 8/10 was the baseline for honey crisp today. Many other reviews that never made it to my inbox. An apple slice for those fallen soldiers.

Honeycrisp Apple:

Evercrisp Apple:

Fuji Apple:

Granny Smith Apple:

Braeburn Apple:

Ambrosia Apple:

Pink lady Apple:

Gala Apple:


Apple Rating (A Singular Huge Vancouver Fortune Edition):

I spent $7.50 CAD on an apple the size of my head. It came in an engraved wooden box.

HUGE Fortune apple:


Apple Ratings (Michael Loves Me, Ontario Winter Edition)

I’m not a material gorlie at all, but when Michael buys me new apples and pints of local apple cider… this is a love language!

Crimson Crisp

Pazazz apple