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06082023 twenty one

there are countless demoralizing stories of post-graduate existentialism; graduating with/without a job that you may/may not love, questioning every choice made to the moment, the haunted “what-ifs” and “buts” that occupy every other blank space in the dome…

& for a while, i thought i would succumb to the same fate. the same dilemmas that most people around me must hurdle over before our eventual next crises (ie. watching all of your friends get married and have children as u sit in your apartment alone). butttt… i must say… i have been throughly enjoying this time ive spent deliberating the “who am i”’s and figuring out all my moral alignments, my newfound dreams & aspirations, and finding out what i love and who i want to become. of course, it goes without saying that i am in a position where i have the luxury to dwell on these. these last few months of funemployment (ie. post selling a company, lol) have made me more confident about the decisions that i will come to make! i feel absolutely and utterly prepared for the next few phases of life, and i think i can properly execute my new dreams to rest on my deathbed with no regrets.

sooo… who am I? who do i wish i was, now? and who do i want to be?

i am:

i like to surround myself with:

i struggle with:

i am working towards becoming:

tonight (aug 6, 2023) i just felt undeniably 21. im making memories that one day i will fondly look back on. im laughing and dancing in loud crowds and feeling like i am the luckiest person in the world to be so loved by so many people. i am so supported by my best friends and i am also not afraid to put myself out there and meet new people, love new people, and cherish my simple life with an open heart of kindness. i think it’s inevitable that there will be times where i feel like my trust has been betrayed, or i lose once-warm connections with people i used to hold in my most inner circle. but, there is so much more to life than staying in the past; there are so many more wonderful experiences to discover! so many sad memories to learn and become a better person from.

i always think about my future kids. i want to be a wonderful parent even though i have many doubts of my capabilities to do so. i want them to be able to grow into the people i admire in the present. gleams of curiosity to beam from their eyes, and me learning to be a patient adult to walk them through the chaos that is growing up.

i want to make change. although i hope it’s generational, positive change that steers humanity to the optimal tomorrow… i think it’s ok to also be happy with (and not settle) for net-positive change in at least a few hundred thousand lives in the next century. that’s my idea of a “realistic” goal and it’s awesome. nobody can convince me otherwise.

ps. i wouldnt put it against myself if i wanted to update these lists in the coming weeks. will note it down here

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