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06082023 twenty one
there are countless demoralizing stories of post-graduate existentialism; graduating with/without a job that you may/may not love, questioning every choice made to the moment, the haunted “what-ifs” and “buts” that occupy every other blank space in the dome…
& for a while, i thought i would succumb to the same fate. the same dilemmas that most people around me must hurdle over before our eventual next crises (ie. watching all of your friends get married and have children as u sit in your apartment alone). butttt… i must say… i have been throughly enjoying this time ive spent deliberating the “who am i”’s and figuring out all my moral alignments, my newfound dreams & aspirations, and finding out what i love and who i want to become. of course, it goes without saying that i am in a position where i have the luxury to dwell on these. these last few months of funemployment (ie. post selling a company, lol) have made me more confident about the decisions that i will come to make! i feel absolutely and utterly prepared for the next few phases of life, and i think i can properly execute my new dreams to rest on my deathbed with no regrets.
sooo… who am I? who do i wish i was, now? and who do i want to be?
i am:
- someone who deeply cares about the future of my children and playing my part in the world they will face.
- strong willed in my beliefs in the value of my work and how it contributes to earth as a whole. i will never work for a cause i do not 100% align with. there are never grey areas here, either. i strictly must (& will) stand by the calibre of my morals and my actions.
- a lover of love. the feeling of my heart swelling because of another person. platonic, romantic, or simply crushing on a stranger on the train; these are the times i feel most fulfilled. i LOVE loving my friends and spending meaningful moments together. i love the feeling of falling in love with someone and picking up new qualities they hold (that consequently) inspire me. i love making up whimsical meet cute scenarios that get my 12 year old shoujo heart beating! life is far too short to not live in innocuous delusion.
- really good at directions! both in the geospatial sense and hopefully (time can only tell) in the general-life-planning sense. i can walk a street once and memorize it for the rest of my life, and i think that is just awesome and core to me.
i like to surround myself with:
- intrinsically good people with strong values that i can align with. i find it arduous to create a thoughtful relationship with people who do not have a positive outlook on the world. i particularly love people who seek to solve problems themselves instead of leaving it up to others, irregardless of the problem space. action oriented folks make planning very easy.
- groups of close female friends that inspire me in their original ways. they are my star roster of post-night-out breakfast table debriefs. i look up to them and eagerly root for every success to hit their way, and they do the same for me. the feminine energy of knowing that other women are always looking out for you is one that is hard to put into words, but nonetheless follows me in my day to day life. there must be a book about this, somewhere!
- groups of close male friends that make me feel safe. we hold hands for countless reasons and i never feel an ounce of hesitancy to share this intimate act with them. i feel comfortable being vulnerable. the close males in my life never fail to deliver hard truths to my face without hurting me because we share mutual ground on wanting the best for one another.
i struggle with:
- my definition of good vs bad (this can be its own post). i thought i had a good grasp on this but i feel quite narrow-minded when it comes to my world exploration. i think there are many topics to deliberate here and there never will be a true answer for what is inherently good and what is obviously bad, but i would like to get to the best understanding possible in my individual lifetime.
- nurturing relationships with people with different belief systems from me. i lock myself into echo chambers where yes, people in my circle are ‘good’, but i think i am really bad at seeking out opposing thoughts. i wish i had more contrarian takes (what a terrible sentence) but these odd thoughts are what make me, me!
i am working towards becoming:
- more well versed/educated in a wider variety of topics; a sentient coffee table of a 55 year old man with bookshelves as walls.
- an expert in my niche field; an absolute powerhouse of cumulative knowledge and experience that people will come to learn FROM me!! what a dream!
- a wonderful friend; holding friends that never hold a single doubt about whether i will be there for them because i WILL ALWAYS be there.
- a fantastic parent; the definition of unconditional love and patience.
tonight (aug 6, 2023) i just felt undeniably 21. im making memories that one day i will fondly look back on. im laughing and dancing in loud crowds and feeling like i am the luckiest person in the world to be so loved by so many people. i am so supported by my best friends and i am also not afraid to put myself out there and meet new people, love new people, and cherish my simple life with an open heart of kindness. i think it’s inevitable that there will be times where i feel like my trust has been betrayed, or i lose once-warm connections with people i used to hold in my most inner circle. but, there is so much more to life than staying in the past; there are so many more wonderful experiences to discover! so many sad memories to learn and become a better person from.
i always think about my future kids. i want to be a wonderful parent even though i have many doubts of my capabilities to do so. i want them to be able to grow into the people i admire in the present. gleams of curiosity to beam from their eyes, and me learning to be a patient adult to walk them through the chaos that is growing up.
i want to make change. although i hope it’s generational, positive change that steers humanity to the optimal tomorrow… i think it’s ok to also be happy with (and not settle) for net-positive change in at least a few hundred thousand lives in the next century. that’s my idea of a “realistic” goal and it’s awesome. nobody can convince me otherwise.
ps. i wouldnt put it against myself if i wanted to update these lists in the coming weeks. will note it down here
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